I lost my mind last night, but it came back.

It was a tough night for me last night. Sometimes, I just look too far into the mists of time, and the energy "out there" overwhelms me. It's the uncertainty that does it. If I knew exactly where the pivot comes, where the path splits, when it occurs... if I could pinpoint that moment reality will no longer be considered optional, I could stay with the generally relaxed and philosophical position I ordinarily inhabit, as it relates to the vagaries of direction of mass events. (Which is to say that on a personal level, some would not define me as "relaxed" though I certainly handle drama fairly well. I'm not exactly a greatly soothing presence for some people. Others, yes... but... well, this tangent seems to lead to a completely different post, I suppose.)

Usually, I can stand back far enough that looking at the big picture is fairly easy for me. Times like last night undo a lot of centeredness, though, and I feel like I've been tossed by a massive wave of emotion. Then I just can't contain it. It's got to come out somewhere. Unfortunately, it happens so late at night that there isn't much I can do to make it easier. Calling someone is not an option... since waking people up in the middle of the night to have a mini-freakout is usually considered rude.

So, Mike got to be the witness. He had no words, really, but at the end of the freakout he did come out with the one thing I needed to hear. "It's all going to be all right." Then I reached for sleep and Thomas Jefferson. Let his spirit hold me, also murmuring "it's going to be all right."

Taking my comfort where I could get it, I at least was able to sleep. Dreamed interesting dreams of redecorating a house... lovely, really... I wish I could draw... then a good friend moving, and the thought that maybe I should move too, to remain close. The dreams were related to changes of realities, too, but not in a freak-out way.

I think that if I knew for certain that we don't, as a nation, really plan to dive off the cliff before we try to reverse course and decide to go back to accepting that reality is real, I'd feel more confident in our ability to weather the outcome of our follies.

Sometimes I just bite off more despair than I can chew.

I'm on my way back to centeredness, though.